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Shoot'n Blanks

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old
said,"Things are great and I've never felt better."
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell
a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were
his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied "My point exactly."
 
The Buffalo Theory

The Buffalo Theory


"Well you see, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.



In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers...."
 
Lost baloonist!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you`re in a hot air balloon, hovering 50 feet above this field. "

"You must be an engineer", says the balloonist.
"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it`s of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don`t know where you are, or where you`re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You`re in the same position you were before we met, but now it`s my fault. "
 
Monster%20cables%20dark%20secrets%20revealed.jpg
 
OK, here's one for JoeyV, that I'll admit I stole from the Carver Owners Forum.

--Richard



Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
 
Old Blonde Joke

Two Blondes walk into a building...






You'd think one of them would have seen it.
 
English Humor:

A Barman in a pub notices something odd.

In the evenings each of his male customers was taking it in turns to go outside for about 10 minutes and then come back in looking very pleased with themselves.Straight away, another customer went outside. He watches this for months and finally his curiosity makes him ask whats going on.

A returning customer was challenged and confessed that there was a woman outside. She was hiding in the dark behind the pub and she was insatiable, performing oral sex on them all night long.

The barman was a bit put out as, after all, they hadnt ever involved him in it as he was always busy behind the bar.
They agreed to look after the bar for him while he went and took his turn.

Quickly he went outside into the dark area of the carpark. For a moment he thought he might had been set up as he fumbled about in the dark and then finally he saw the shape of the woman. Straight away, down went his zip, and serious oral sex began.

He could feel himself about to explode when suddenly out of the darkness came a policeman with a torch.

"Hello hello hello, whats all this then??"

.........."Errrr, Just making love to my wife, officer, its just the wife".

"Oh, sorry Sir, I didnt realise it was your wife".

.........."Thats Ok Officer, neither did I until you shone that f_cking torch at us".
 
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and walked
into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out
there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired
person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a "doughnut eating Nazi."

He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a "flatfooted oinker."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about
20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and
the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that
said "Clinton in 20'08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important to my health.
 
Texas Chili Cook-off

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's just no hope.



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.



Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.



Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.



Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.



Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.



Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.



Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.



Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...



Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.



Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.



Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.



Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.



Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.



Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.



Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.




Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.



Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.



Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?



Judge # 3 - No Report!!!
 
pretty much says it all

This explains a few things
 

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