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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and as he approaches says, "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see and asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out...

"Ah crap!! My girlfriend's gone, too!!!"
 
Pharmacology

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'c0cktails', highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
A day at Walmart

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.


The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they
ain't.

The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you
for shopping at Wal-Mart."
 
New Diagnostic Computer at Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor ."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits..Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe begins wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
 
A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a
vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash
up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern

came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of
the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is
a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the
house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down,
please.

Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How
would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm
going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a
shower and shave?There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside
a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean " he swallows
excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!
 
Subj: Amish


An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from
his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen."

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have chit in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak
in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more."
 
Doctor Vs. Mechanic

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey…Is dat you? Come over here a minute.”
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?”
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, “Try doing your work with the engine running.”
 
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says:

"SEX FROGS"
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.


The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you. Allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper in small print it says,
"If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"
 
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 
Divirsity in the workplace

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. "I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Your gonna love this.








Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
 
How to Spend Eternity in Hell

A fella dies and is sentanced to spend etermity in hell.
He meets the devil, and the devil says, "I'll give you 3 choices how you want to spend eternity."
The guy is shown a room and sees everyone standing on their heads, and the ground is covered with sharp rocks and glass. He says, "Man that looks painful, show me the next room."
In the next room he sees everyone standing on their heads like in the 1st room, but instead of rocks and glass the ground is covered in hot coals. "Ouch! Show me my 3rd choice," the man says.
When the door is opened to the 3rd room, the man gags and chokes because of the unbearable smell. He looks inside and sees the ground covered in crap (doo doo, poo...you get the idea). He sees guys in the corner of the room standing around and drinking coffee, holding their hands over their noses trying to avoid the smell of the room. He thinks to himself that he could get used to the smell, so he says, "I choose to spend eternity in this room." He's led in, and trying to breath he walks over and starts to pour a cup of coffee. About that time the door swings open and a demon yells, "COFFEE BREAKS OVER. BACK ON YOUR HEAD!"
 
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down
in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black
eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black
eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the
most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd
like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets
to Tittsburgh'., so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister
too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please
pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey'. But I accidentally said, "You've ruined
my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, " Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door Baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am"
he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain" Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, One on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

" Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!!
 
An elderly gentlemen walks up to the marine guard at the white house.

The guard asks can i help you sir?

I am here to see President Hillary Clinton says the man.

The guard replies, Hillary Clinton is not the president and she does not live in the white house.

The man shrugs and walks off.

the next day the same man approches the guard who asks Sir can i help you?

I am here to see President Hillary Clinton says the man.

The guard replies, Hillary Clinton is not the president and she does not live in the white house.

the next day the same man approches the guard who asks Sir can i help you?


I am here to see President Hilary Clinton.


The guard replies, Hillary Clinton is not the president and she does not live in the white house. Then says Sir this is the third day in a row that you have asked me the same question, Is there a reason?

The elderly gentlemen says, I just like hearing it.

The guard replied, See you tomorrow.
 
The Give Away
>
> Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack
> Obama, and John Edwards are flying to a convention.
>
> Barack looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, 'You
> know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window
> right now and make somebody very happy.'
>
> Hillary shrugs her shoulders and replies, 'I could
> throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten
> people very happy.'
>
> John chimes in and says, 'That being the case, I could throw one
> hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a
> hundred people very happy.'
>
> Overhearing their exchange, the pilot rolls his eyes
> and says to his copilot, 'Such big-shots back there.
> I could throw all three of them out of the window
> and make 156 million people very happy!!'
 
So these two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "can you drive this thing?"
 
Fishing Trip

A man was on the water for his monthly fishing trip. He began his day
with an 8 lb. bass on the first cast and a 7 lb. on the second. On the
third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when
his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had
just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the
ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up, he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best fishing day ever. He decided to get
in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital He ended up
fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like
he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant....then he
remembered his wife! Feeling terribly guilty, he dashed to the hospital.


He ran up to the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and
finished your fishing, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself your poor
wife has been languishing in the ICU! I hope you really enjoyed
yourself, because it will more than likely be the last fishing trip you
will ever take! For the rest of her life your wife will be paralyzed
and require around the clock care, and you'll be her caregiver forever!'


The man felt so horrible at what he had done that he broke down and
sobbed. Then the doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messin' with you.
She's dead....

What'd you catch?"
 
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