lugano
Well-known member
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2005
- Messages
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* 370 JCL
o You send your foot down to MIS and include a 300-page
document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Two years later,
your foot comes back deep-fried.
* Ada
o If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the
United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in
front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
* AppleScript
o You assume that it is possible to shoot yourself in the
foot, but your foot hasn't got a dictionary even though your gun does.
o Everything compiles but you can't make your foot into the
correct type for the bullet.
o tell application "Body"
set tBodies to every body of me
set tBody to item one of tBodies
set tLegs to every item of tBody
set tLeg to item one of tLegs
set tFeets to every foot of tLeg
set tFoot to item one of tFeets as reference
end tell
tell application "Gun"
set tBullets to every bullet of gun
set tBullet to item one of tBullets
shoot tFoot with tBullet
end tell
* ASP
o You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the most
advanced thing you can manage is to cut your wrist.
* Assembly
o You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
contemplation, the system administrator shoots himself in the foot and
then hops around the room rapidly shooting at everyone in sight.
o Using only 7 bytes of code, you blow off your entire leg in
only 2 CPU clock ticks.
* C
o You shoot yourself in the foot and then nobody else can
figure out what you did.
* C++
o You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and
shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is
impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are
just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
* C#
o You shoot yourself in the foot, but first have to switch to
unsafe mode.
o You forget precisely how to use the .NET interface and
shoot yourself in the foot. You sue Microsoft for damages.
* Clipper
o You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so
that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that
the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the
mail real soon now.
* dBase
o You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another
company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that
the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually
shoot bullets.
o You squeeze the trigger, but someone corrupted the index
and the bullet shoots you in the eye.
o You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly
that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot
yourself anyway.
* Delphi
o You try to shoot yourself in the foot but discover that the
bullets you already had are not compatible with the new gun version, but
Borland promises a fix real soon now.
* Forth
o Foot in yourself shoot.
* FORTRAN
o You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out
of bullets or toes, you continue anyway because no exception processing
was anticipated.
* HTML
o You cut a bullethole in your foot with nothing more than a
small penknife, but you realize that to make it look convincing, you
need to be using Dreamweaver.
* HyperTalk
o Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of
you. Answer the result.
o You describe how to shoot yourself in the foot, which not
only happens, but you also get cool visual effects.
o As of HyperTalk 2.2, you cannot shoot yourself in the foot
from within the stack; you must write this functionality into an XCMD or
XFCN. However, we anticipate this functionality to be incorporated into
the next major release.
* Java
o You write a program to shoot yourself in the foot and put
it on the Internet. People all over the world shoot themselves in the
foot, and everyone leaves your website hobbling and cursing.
o You amputate your foot at the ankle with a fourteen-pound
hacksaw, but you can do it on any platform.
* JavaScript
o You find that Microsoft and Sun have released incompatible
class libraries both implementing Gun objects. You then find that
although there are plenty of Foot objects implemented in the past in
many other languages, you cannot get access to one. But, seeing as
JavaScript is so cool, you don't care and go around shooting anything
else you can find.
# Mac OS (System 7)
* Double-click the gun icon and a window appears, giving a
selection for guns, target areas, and balloon help with medical
remedies. Click the "shoot" button and a small bomb appears with a note
"Bad F-line instruction."
# Mac OS (System 7.1)
* Double-click the gun icon and a window appears, giving a
selection for guns, target areas, and balloon help with medical
remedies. Click the "shoot" button and a small bomb appears with a note
"Error of type 1 has occurred."
# Mac OS 9
* Double-click the gun icon and a window appears, giving a
selection for guns, target areas, and balloon help with medical
remedies. Click the "shoot" button and a window appears with the message
"You need to install the latest version of CarbonLib. Should I get it
for you?" You click "Yes" and your computer hangs.
# Mac OS X
* You try to shoot yourself in the foot from the GUI but the gun
has inexplicably turned into a bag of Skittles.
* You open up the Terminal, type sudo shoot -p
~/Library/BodyParts/Preferences/foot.plist, and your kernel panics.
# Modula-2
* After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in
the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
# MS-DOS
* You shoot yourself in the foot, but you can unshoot yourself with
add-on software.
# .NET
* You can now shoot yourself in the foot with any of fourteen
weapons, ranging from an antique medieval crossbow to a laser-guided
Destructo-Beam. However, all these weapons must be manufactured by
Microsoft and you must pay Microsoft royalties every time you shoot
yourself in the foot.
# Oracle
* You decide to shoot yourself in the foot, so you go out and buy a
gun, but the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster
solution, relational titanium-alloy bullets, body armor infrastructure,
a laser sight assistant, a retractable arm stock application, and an
enterprise team of ballistic experts and a chiropodist.
# Paradox
* Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
# Pascal
* The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
* The gun is mounted such that it cannot point towards your feet,
but you can swivel it round and shoot yourself in the head instead.
# PHP
* You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces of 300
other guns.
# Prolog
* You tell your program you wish to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to
explain.
* Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old
age before the bullet leaves the gun.
# Revelation
* You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you
figure out what all these bullets are for.
# Ruby
* You shoot yourself in the foot and then have to justify it to all
your friends who are still naively using Perl.
# SmallTalk
* You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
# SQL
* You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau, and when
it returns it has a hole in it, but it will no longer fit the attachment
at the end of your leg.
# Visual Basic
* You do a Google search on how to shoot yourself in the foot using
Visual Basic. You find seventeen completely different ways to do it,
none of which are properly structured. You paste the first example into
the IDE and compile. It brushes your teeth.
# VMS
* %SYS-F-FTSHT, foot shot (fifty lines of traceback omitted)
# Windows 3.1
* Double-click the gun icon and wait. Eventually a window opens
giving a selection for guns and target areas. Click the "shoot" button
and a small box appears with the note "Unable to open shoot.dll, check
that path is correct."
# Windows 95
* Your gun is not compatible with this OS and you must buy an
upgrade and install it before you may continue. Then you will be
informed that you don't have enough memory.
# Windows ME
* There will be too many sudden reboots to allow the bullet to get
through, so your foot hangs instead.
# Windows XP
* Some teenage hacker shoots you in the foot with ActiveX. You
develop gangrene and die.
# XBase
* Shooting yourself is no problem, but if you want to shoot
yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
# XML
* You vaporize your entire lower half with a bazooka.
* You can't actually shoot yourself in the foot; all you can do is
describe the gun in painful detail.
o You send your foot down to MIS and include a 300-page
document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Two years later,
your foot comes back deep-fried.
* Ada
o If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the
United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in
front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
* AppleScript
o You assume that it is possible to shoot yourself in the
foot, but your foot hasn't got a dictionary even though your gun does.
o Everything compiles but you can't make your foot into the
correct type for the bullet.
o tell application "Body"
set tBodies to every body of me
set tBody to item one of tBodies
set tLegs to every item of tBody
set tLeg to item one of tLegs
set tFeets to every foot of tLeg
set tFoot to item one of tFeets as reference
end tell
tell application "Gun"
set tBullets to every bullet of gun
set tBullet to item one of tBullets
shoot tFoot with tBullet
end tell
* ASP
o You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the most
advanced thing you can manage is to cut your wrist.
* Assembly
o You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
contemplation, the system administrator shoots himself in the foot and
then hops around the room rapidly shooting at everyone in sight.
o Using only 7 bytes of code, you blow off your entire leg in
only 2 CPU clock ticks.
* C
o You shoot yourself in the foot and then nobody else can
figure out what you did.
* C++
o You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and
shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is
impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are
just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
* C#
o You shoot yourself in the foot, but first have to switch to
unsafe mode.
o You forget precisely how to use the .NET interface and
shoot yourself in the foot. You sue Microsoft for damages.
* Clipper
o You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so
that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that
the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the
mail real soon now.
* dBase
o You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another
company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that
the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually
shoot bullets.
o You squeeze the trigger, but someone corrupted the index
and the bullet shoots you in the eye.
o You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly
that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot
yourself anyway.
* Delphi
o You try to shoot yourself in the foot but discover that the
bullets you already had are not compatible with the new gun version, but
Borland promises a fix real soon now.
* Forth
o Foot in yourself shoot.
* FORTRAN
o You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out
of bullets or toes, you continue anyway because no exception processing
was anticipated.
* HTML
o You cut a bullethole in your foot with nothing more than a
small penknife, but you realize that to make it look convincing, you
need to be using Dreamweaver.
* HyperTalk
o Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of
you. Answer the result.
o You describe how to shoot yourself in the foot, which not
only happens, but you also get cool visual effects.
o As of HyperTalk 2.2, you cannot shoot yourself in the foot
from within the stack; you must write this functionality into an XCMD or
XFCN. However, we anticipate this functionality to be incorporated into
the next major release.
* Java
o You write a program to shoot yourself in the foot and put
it on the Internet. People all over the world shoot themselves in the
foot, and everyone leaves your website hobbling and cursing.
o You amputate your foot at the ankle with a fourteen-pound
hacksaw, but you can do it on any platform.
* JavaScript
o You find that Microsoft and Sun have released incompatible
class libraries both implementing Gun objects. You then find that
although there are plenty of Foot objects implemented in the past in
many other languages, you cannot get access to one. But, seeing as
JavaScript is so cool, you don't care and go around shooting anything
else you can find.
# Mac OS (System 7)
* Double-click the gun icon and a window appears, giving a
selection for guns, target areas, and balloon help with medical
remedies. Click the "shoot" button and a small bomb appears with a note
"Bad F-line instruction."
# Mac OS (System 7.1)
* Double-click the gun icon and a window appears, giving a
selection for guns, target areas, and balloon help with medical
remedies. Click the "shoot" button and a small bomb appears with a note
"Error of type 1 has occurred."
# Mac OS 9
* Double-click the gun icon and a window appears, giving a
selection for guns, target areas, and balloon help with medical
remedies. Click the "shoot" button and a window appears with the message
"You need to install the latest version of CarbonLib. Should I get it
for you?" You click "Yes" and your computer hangs.
# Mac OS X
* You try to shoot yourself in the foot from the GUI but the gun
has inexplicably turned into a bag of Skittles.
* You open up the Terminal, type sudo shoot -p
~/Library/BodyParts/Preferences/foot.plist, and your kernel panics.
# Modula-2
* After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in
the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
# MS-DOS
* You shoot yourself in the foot, but you can unshoot yourself with
add-on software.
# .NET
* You can now shoot yourself in the foot with any of fourteen
weapons, ranging from an antique medieval crossbow to a laser-guided
Destructo-Beam. However, all these weapons must be manufactured by
Microsoft and you must pay Microsoft royalties every time you shoot
yourself in the foot.
# Oracle
* You decide to shoot yourself in the foot, so you go out and buy a
gun, but the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster
solution, relational titanium-alloy bullets, body armor infrastructure,
a laser sight assistant, a retractable arm stock application, and an
enterprise team of ballistic experts and a chiropodist.
# Paradox
* Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
# Pascal
* The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
* The gun is mounted such that it cannot point towards your feet,
but you can swivel it round and shoot yourself in the head instead.
# PHP
* You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces of 300
other guns.
# Prolog
* You tell your program you wish to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to
explain.
* Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old
age before the bullet leaves the gun.
# Revelation
* You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you
figure out what all these bullets are for.
# Ruby
* You shoot yourself in the foot and then have to justify it to all
your friends who are still naively using Perl.
# SmallTalk
* You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
# SQL
* You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau, and when
it returns it has a hole in it, but it will no longer fit the attachment
at the end of your leg.
# Visual Basic
* You do a Google search on how to shoot yourself in the foot using
Visual Basic. You find seventeen completely different ways to do it,
none of which are properly structured. You paste the first example into
the IDE and compile. It brushes your teeth.
# VMS
* %SYS-F-FTSHT, foot shot (fifty lines of traceback omitted)
# Windows 3.1
* Double-click the gun icon and wait. Eventually a window opens
giving a selection for guns and target areas. Click the "shoot" button
and a small box appears with the note "Unable to open shoot.dll, check
that path is correct."
# Windows 95
* Your gun is not compatible with this OS and you must buy an
upgrade and install it before you may continue. Then you will be
informed that you don't have enough memory.
# Windows ME
* There will be too many sudden reboots to allow the bullet to get
through, so your foot hangs instead.
# Windows XP
* Some teenage hacker shoots you in the foot with ActiveX. You
develop gangrene and die.
# XBase
* Shooting yourself is no problem, but if you want to shoot
yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
# XML
* You vaporize your entire lower half with a bazooka.
* You can't actually shoot yourself in the foot; all you can do is
describe the gun in painful detail.
