Joke of the Day

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.


"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too.. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"




"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

HER FIRST PAY CHEQUE

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that
we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this
home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young
age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us.

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those A$$ holes at Home Depot ever
deliver the FOOKing sheet rock..."

Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.

A duck walks....

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No." The duck says, "ok," and leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "NO, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." Again the duck leaves.

The Third Day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The irritated clerk says, "I've told you TWICE, we DON'T have duck feed, we've NEVER had duck feed, and we NEVER WILL, HAVE DUCK FEED! IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN, I'LL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!" The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"NOOOO!!" YELLS the clerk.

"ok, got any duck feed?"

Tom this ones for you

God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?"

Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe
in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in
giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and
offers him a seat to his left.


Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?"

Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've
always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing
fields."

God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a
seat to his right.


Finally, God turns to Brett Favre: "And you, Brett, what do you believe?"

Brett replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

I guess Tom Brady wasn't around for God's interview ?? !!

BTW Wayne, love the avatar, I guess Santa had one too many drinks !!!, LOL

twich54 said:

I guess Tom Brady wasn't around for God's interview ?? !!

Click to expand...

Tom was taking last Sunday nights referee crew out for a steak dinner.

twich54 said:

BTW Wayne, love the avatar, I guess Santa had one too many drinks !!!, LOL

Click to expand...

In the immortal words of Walter Becker:

Santa Claus came in late last night
Drunk on Christmas wine
Fell down hard in the driveway
Hung his bag out on the laundry line

God doesn't like cheaters!

Aging Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Message of hope...

I know this is supposed to be a "joke of the day" thread and I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one truly got to me. I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of Hope.

We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy. An image that suggests the universality of us all. I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you. All I ask is that all of you take just a moment to reflect on it.

slowGEEZR said:

I know this is supposed to be a "joke of the day" thread and I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one truly got to me. I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of Hope.

We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy. An image that suggests the universality of us all. I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you. All I ask is that all of you take just a moment to reflect on it.

Click to expand...

I think I hear angels singing when I look at this photo......:angel:
:food12: :guiness: :cheers:

Christmas Eve

Three men meet their final fate on Christmas Eve, and are standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this festive and Holy time, each of you must produce something representative of this joyous season, in order to enter Heaven."

The first man steps forward and holds up a lighter. "What does that represent?" asks Peter. "A Christmas candle!" is the answer. He is allowed to enter.

The second man steps up and shakes his set of keys. "And, what do those represent?" he is asked. "Christmas Bells!" he replies. He also is allowed to enter.

The third man hesitates for a minute, then reaches in his coat pocket and pulls out a pair of bikini panties. St. Peter frowns, then asks, "And what makes you think THOSE represent the Christmas season?"

He smiles and answers, "They're Carol's"

Women love Jewelry

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

The jeweler indicated that was fine, and the old man headed for the door
with the gorgeous young woman hanging on his arm whispering excitedly into his ear.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "What's up? There's no
money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!!"

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

My Son

An older man goes into the food court at a mall and buys lunch. As he's eating, he notices a teenage boy seated a few tables away with his hair all spiked and dyed red, blue, green, yellow, purple, and pink. He keeps staring at the teen to the point that the boy gets irritated. He stands up, walks over, and says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were my age?"

The man took a sip of his soda, looked up, and replied, "As a matter of fact, I did. When I was about your age, I got drunk one night and $crewed a peac0ck. I thought you might be my son."

edwinr said:

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR DECADE AND

<snip>

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

Click to expand...

Looks like this one has been around since the 60's...

http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

although most of us wish it were true.

Happy Holidays everyone

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Post It: To help you remember the little things in life.

The four degrees of Santa Claus

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You are Santa Claus

4. You Look like Santa Claus

Merry Christmas All

Man Rules

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

-------------------------------------------

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that?....It's like camping.