Joke of the Day

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, barely containing his laughter and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the sh#t out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween

Wow. This must be going around, I just received it from my niece.

slowGEEZR said:

Wow. This must be going around, I just received it from my niece.

Click to expand...

How about an original then Steve.

How many Martin Logan Club Forumn Members does it take to change a light bulb??









Just one, But the rest of us would debate what type of power cord we should use on the lamp.


Feel free to add your own punch lines.

and NEVER use the wrong fuse . . . .

(from the 2000 Darwin Awards)

AND FINALLY: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River bridge. After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia).

Here's an old one...

Great Halloween Party

A husband and wife are invited to a Halloween costume party. She purchases costumes for them to wear, but the day of the party she develops a migraine and decides to stay home. She helps her husband dress in his gorilla suit and sends him off. After a short rest, her headache disappears, so she decides to don her costume, which he hasn't seen, and see how he behaves without her around.

Shortly after she arrives, here comes her husband in the gorilla suit and starts flirting, not knowing it's her. She decides to play along to see just how far he'll go. After a few drinks and a dance or two, she puts him to the test. She leads him off into a dark room, tears off his gorilla suit, and makes mad passionate love to him. When finished, she is totally infuriated that he offers no resistance. She quickly leaves the room, and rushes home and waits for the scum to come home.

About an hour later, he comes dragging in. She pretends to awaken, and then asks, "Well, how was the party?" He replies, "Kinda boring, without you there. Me and a couple of guys slipped out into the garage and played poker most of the night. But, the guy I loaned my costume to said he had one hell of a time!!!"

q: what did the skeleton say when he entered the bar?

a: give me a beer...and a mop.

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and yelled, "Here's four weeks' pay", now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and
$100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-$-$-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's Bulls**t and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Marriage

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"


After a moment of silence, he farted.

Happiness: Women vs Men

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

Without forgetting to:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

At the same time, you must also:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

And finally...

54. Never-ever forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


In contrast...


How to make a man happy :

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Turn on the stereo

^^^

LOL... I think you can take out number 2 and 3 for how to make a man happy part.

That or change number 2 to: bring beer

The Pope

The Pope is taking a shower and decides to relieve some of his sexual tensions. Just as he reaches his crescendo, there is a flash from a paparazzi's camera. The pope, thoroughly embarassed, convinces the photographer that such a photograph would do more harm than good, and agrees to "buy" the camera and film for $20,000.

As he is walking down the hall to destroy the evidence, the cleaning lady spots the camera and comments about the quality. The pope says, "Yes, it is nice. I just bought it." "How much?" she asks. Not wanting to tell a lie, he replies, "$20,000.00". "Boy!", she exclaims, "Somebody sure saw YOU COMING!"

Flashing Wife

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, Chris, he went to the store."

"Well, do you mind if I wait?"

"No, come on in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen.
I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both.
I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."

Sara says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws
another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then there have been no more lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

theWB said:

Sara says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.

Click to expand...

Love it !! you know Wayne... a buddy of mine is Paramedic /EMT onboard a truma center helicopter, you should see the action he gets on those 'low pass' flights over the various swimming pool and hot tub shows throughout the year !!

Satisfied Wife

No matter what this husband did in bed, his
wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife
is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his
beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a
strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That
will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an
orgasm.'

They go home, and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel
over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and
the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,'
he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the
young man make love to your wife, and you wave the
towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice.
They go home, and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm, and the wife soon has an
enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming
orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man,
and says to him triumphantly: 'You see, you young
schmuck. THAT'S how you wave a towel!

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping naked on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 50-year old arse?"

She replied, "Your name never came up."