Jokes
- Thread starter edwinr
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A blonde lugs her speakers into Acme Audio. She tells the technician the sound is muffled. After he works on them for a few minutes, they are sounding great.
She asks, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap on the connectors."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
She asks, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap on the connectors."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
An audiophile walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the audiophile.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the audiophile goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes, one per customer." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like to have the best hifi in the world."
Then, out of nowhere, a wifi modem with a 20 foot antenna appears out of nowhere, and the disappointed audiophile goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me wifi instead of hifi!"
His friend replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the audiophile.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the audiophile goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes, one per customer." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like to have the best hifi in the world."
Then, out of nowhere, a wifi modem with a 20 foot antenna appears out of nowhere, and the disappointed audiophile goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me wifi instead of hifi!"
His friend replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
The World's First Audio Review.
Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree (1853-1917) was asked for his opinion on a product by a gramophone company.
His reply:
"Sirs, I have tested your machine. It adds a new terror to life and makes death a long felt want. "
Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree (1853-1917) was asked for his opinion on a product by a gramophone company.
His reply:
"Sirs, I have tested your machine. It adds a new terror to life and makes death a long felt want. "
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would you play her our favorite records on the hi-fi in our loungeroom?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She hates Opera."
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would you play her our favorite records on the hi-fi in our loungeroom?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She hates Opera."
sleepysurf
Well-known member
An audiophile tells his wife that if he dies before she does, she should immediately sell all his audio gear.
"Why" she asks?
He tells her that having devoting his heart and soul for so many years perfecting his setup, he can't stand the thought of some "putz" just waltzing into her life and getting to enjoy the fruits of his labors.
Her response... "What makes you think I'd marry another putz?"
"Why" she asks?
He tells her that having devoting his heart and soul for so many years perfecting his setup, he can't stand the thought of some "putz" just waltzing into her life and getting to enjoy the fruits of his labors.
Her response... "What makes you think I'd marry another putz?"
MiTT
Super User
My wife thought that was hysterical for some unfathomable reason.
Gordon Gray
Well-known member
The male brain
So a young mom is at home with her four year old son and asks mom if he could take a bath.
Mom says "you bet".
So her son is in the tub and being a good mom, she goes into the bathroom to check up on him.
When she enters, her son is in the tub holding his penus. And her son says, "Mom, can I ask you a question?"
Mom says sure.
So still holding his penus, he asks "Mom, are these my brains?
Mom hesitates for a moment and then responds;
"Not yet."
So a young mom is at home with her four year old son and asks mom if he could take a bath.
Mom says "you bet".
So her son is in the tub and being a good mom, she goes into the bathroom to check up on him.
When she enters, her son is in the tub holding his penus. And her son says, "Mom, can I ask you a question?"
Mom says sure.
So still holding his penus, he asks "Mom, are these my brains?
Mom hesitates for a moment and then responds;
"Not yet."
Worlds Greatest Salesman
Three salesmen were bragging who is the best.
The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man.
The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man.
The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady.
The other two said, so what? The third salesman added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her one hundred pounds of bird seeds!!!!!
Three salesmen were bragging who is the best.
The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man.
The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man.
The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady.
The other two said, so what? The third salesman added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her one hundred pounds of bird seeds!!!!!
Two audio experts, one from Circuit City and one from Bose, are walking down the street. They notice, over on a porch, a dog licking his "privates." The Circuit City guy laments to his buddy, "Man, I wish I could do that." The Bose man replies, "I do too, but I'm afraid he might bite me!"
An audiophile was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The audiophile took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the audiophile took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The audiophile said, "Look I'm an audiophile. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The audiophile took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the audiophile took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The audiophile said, "Look I'm an audiophile. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
It is little wonder that most MLO forum members don't take hi-fi reviewers too seriously - unless they're writing for TONEAudio!
"Pulling harmonics together from a jumbled auditory stream to form a coherent harmonic envelope."
"Image outlines were sharply focused in space with believable palpability."
"There was plenty of bass detail to behold."
"The music flows with gusto and verve. It squeezes instrumental images into incredibly palpable outlines."
"...more muscle and definition, and a heart that is pure gold."
"Most preamps when pushed hard change their sonic signature."
"Harmonic colors were somewhat on the dark side."
"By using the $450 gold plated RCA stereo jumper cables for all line-level connections, and the newly available $1200 gold plated XYZ speaker wires, we were able to achieve a distinct improvement in highs and the deepest rich bass lows I have ever heard. A massive improvement over ordinary old copper."
"These cables deliver big time! The sound is surprisingly smooth and spacious, with particularly sweet upper octaves."
"If you connect a ground to the chassis of your power amplifer and use 4 gauge wire connected to a bucket of salt water with a copper coil in it, your mids and highs will be the sweetest you have ever heard. Works with car audio systems too. Place the bucket in the trunk and reduce speed on corners and when braking, to avoid spillage."
"Special wooden resonator disks made in Asia from a special tree, only found in one area. Placing these under EACH of your components, at strategic locations will remove 'unwanted resonances', and DRAMATIC improval tonal quality. The difference is astounding...
"somewhat fuzzy portrayal of image outlines."
"Harmonic textures ebbed and flowed with startling dynamic nuances and the sort of liquidity and purity one only comes to associate with world-class audio products."
"Harmonic textures are painted slightly gray in color."
"Spatial detail was painted with a fine brush that readily resolved massed voices and the air around individual instruments."
"Image outlines, however, are more precisely focused within the soundstage and in general the Accordance is capable of sketching out a convincing 3-D acoustic impression."
"It felt like I had crawled into a warm and inviting sonic womb."
"Not content with straight S.E.X. (the single-ended experimenter's kit), the Doctor introduces the "69" tapered pipe loudspeaker. Sounds like a recipe for a mind-blowing sonic orgasm."
"The impression of speed and control was strong."
"Bass lines were fleshed out with excellent definition."
"It is less lush sounding than..."
"...force feeding the listener an earful of detail; more accurately, a barrage of in-your-face zingers that becomes almost an instant irritant."
"Each tube brand seems to have a unique flavor of its own."
"Certain busy passages of music get congested."
"... sounds either euphonic or bright."
"The Equilibre ($8,475) - nominally a 60-watt stereo amp."
"It could well explain the sweet sounds that come from using passive preamps straight into the power amplifiers."
"...with an easy-to-drive impedance magnitude."
"Rendition of harmonic colors was suave and smooth, with a believable sugar coating."
"Exposure of low-level detail, even in complex passages, without leaving anything to the imagination."
"The mids are vivid in spades with wave after wave of honey-coated harmonic bliss."
"The midbass region is "fun"
"the upper mids are a bit more laid back than I would like."
"the low bottom end is not there..."
"Pulling harmonics together from a jumbled auditory stream to form a coherent harmonic envelope."
"Image outlines were sharply focused in space with believable palpability."
"There was plenty of bass detail to behold."
"The music flows with gusto and verve. It squeezes instrumental images into incredibly palpable outlines."
"...more muscle and definition, and a heart that is pure gold."
"Most preamps when pushed hard change their sonic signature."
"Harmonic colors were somewhat on the dark side."
"By using the $450 gold plated RCA stereo jumper cables for all line-level connections, and the newly available $1200 gold plated XYZ speaker wires, we were able to achieve a distinct improvement in highs and the deepest rich bass lows I have ever heard. A massive improvement over ordinary old copper."
"These cables deliver big time! The sound is surprisingly smooth and spacious, with particularly sweet upper octaves."
"If you connect a ground to the chassis of your power amplifer and use 4 gauge wire connected to a bucket of salt water with a copper coil in it, your mids and highs will be the sweetest you have ever heard. Works with car audio systems too. Place the bucket in the trunk and reduce speed on corners and when braking, to avoid spillage."
"Special wooden resonator disks made in Asia from a special tree, only found in one area. Placing these under EACH of your components, at strategic locations will remove 'unwanted resonances', and DRAMATIC improval tonal quality. The difference is astounding...
"somewhat fuzzy portrayal of image outlines."
"Harmonic textures ebbed and flowed with startling dynamic nuances and the sort of liquidity and purity one only comes to associate with world-class audio products."
"Harmonic textures are painted slightly gray in color."
"Spatial detail was painted with a fine brush that readily resolved massed voices and the air around individual instruments."
"Image outlines, however, are more precisely focused within the soundstage and in general the Accordance is capable of sketching out a convincing 3-D acoustic impression."
"It felt like I had crawled into a warm and inviting sonic womb."
"Not content with straight S.E.X. (the single-ended experimenter's kit), the Doctor introduces the "69" tapered pipe loudspeaker. Sounds like a recipe for a mind-blowing sonic orgasm."
"The impression of speed and control was strong."
"Bass lines were fleshed out with excellent definition."
"It is less lush sounding than..."
"...force feeding the listener an earful of detail; more accurately, a barrage of in-your-face zingers that becomes almost an instant irritant."
"Each tube brand seems to have a unique flavor of its own."
"Certain busy passages of music get congested."
"... sounds either euphonic or bright."
"The Equilibre ($8,475) - nominally a 60-watt stereo amp."
"It could well explain the sweet sounds that come from using passive preamps straight into the power amplifiers."
"...with an easy-to-drive impedance magnitude."
"Rendition of harmonic colors was suave and smooth, with a believable sugar coating."
"Exposure of low-level detail, even in complex passages, without leaving anything to the imagination."
"The mids are vivid in spades with wave after wave of honey-coated harmonic bliss."
"The midbass region is "fun"
"the upper mids are a bit more laid back than I would like."
"the low bottom end is not there..."
Last edited:
InterMechanico
Well-known member
HAHAHAHA This is great after a long day at work. Thank You.
FoxMulder
Well-known member
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
FoxMulder
Well-known member
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
From my wife who thinks this is really funny...
The first testicular guard, the 'cup' was first used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realise their brain is also important.
Ladies... Quit Laughing.
The first testicular guard, the 'cup' was first used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realise their brain is also important.
Ladies... Quit Laughing.
From 'Enjoy the Music.com: Fred Manteghian of The Audio Adventure writes:
We'll be the first to admit that reading audio reviews can be a daunting task. Do you find yourself wondering, "What are they talking about?" or "I never heard that --- am I missing something?" Well, we reviewers can be an obtuse bunch when we want to. Let's look at some of the phrases you'll encounter in your readings. We'll explain them to you in plain English, and in no time at all, you'll be an expert as well.
When they say...
"I can't understand why they put such cheap binding posts on a product of this caliber".
They Mean...
"I overtightened the nuts, and both posts snapped - again".
When they say...
"Despite it's slight problems at the extremes, the products strong point was it's rendition of the all-important midrange".
They mean...
"This thing has no bass and treble - it actually hurts".
When they say...
"In spite of the measurement anomalies, this speaker is clearly a state-of-the-art product".
They mean...
"It didn't SOUND broken when we gave it our top rating".
When they say...
"The second sample also failed when I turned it on".
They mean...
"Red is ground isn't it?"
When they say...
"It was definitely borderline Class A".
They mean...
"It isn't that good but it's sooo expensive, and they're letting me keep it - G*d, I feel so cheap!"
When they say...
"Light years ahead of the competition".
They mean...
"The competition won't give us a review sample".
When they say...
"We hire only the best writers".
They mean...
"We'll hire any audiophile who recognizes a pencil two out of three tries".
When they say...
"After six months, the unit failed and I requested a second sample".
They mean...
"The product sat in my garage for six months until I backed my car over it - Getting the review process underway".
When they say...
"This is an incomplete but promising design from a talented young designer".
They mean...
"The product sucks but he has some money left in his advertising account".
When they say...
"Better than amps costing three times as much".
They mean...
"I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I like the amp - a lot!"
When they say...
"This product had me pulling one record after another from my collection".
They mean...
"I listened to all five of my records".
When they say...
"Michelle - ma belle - loved the lush midrange of the Beau-Evlav amp".
They mean...
"Michelle, who is proficient in sign language, described the amp to me".
When they say...
"The images in the soundstage had that elusive and seductive sense of palatable presence".
They mean...
"I haven't had sex since my wife left me and I'm starting to hallucinate... to hallucinate... to hallucinate.......".
[When they say...]When they say...[/B]
"These babies had me playing air guitar".
They mean...
"I don't know how to play a real instrument".
When they say...
"Every once in a long while a product comes along that redefines the way we think about audio".
They mean...
"I love my DSS satellite system".
When they say...
"This product lacks some of the subtle refinements we've come expect from a designer of this caliber".
They mean...
"The product stinks but we don't want to **** off this famous manufacturer".
When they say...
"This preamp is our new reference".
They mean...
"We aint giving it back, and we ain't payin' for it neither".
*****************
From 'Enjoy the Music.com:
Reference:
The Milto-Burlitz Guide To Reading,
Understanding And Enjoying Audio Reviews
Article By Fred Manteghian of The Audio Adventure
(Volume 3 Issue 1)
We'll be the first to admit that reading audio reviews can be a daunting task. Do you find yourself wondering, "What are they talking about?" or "I never heard that --- am I missing something?" Well, we reviewers can be an obtuse bunch when we want to. Let's look at some of the phrases you'll encounter in your readings. We'll explain them to you in plain English, and in no time at all, you'll be an expert as well.
When they say...
"I can't understand why they put such cheap binding posts on a product of this caliber".
They Mean...
"I overtightened the nuts, and both posts snapped - again".
When they say...
"Despite it's slight problems at the extremes, the products strong point was it's rendition of the all-important midrange".
They mean...
"This thing has no bass and treble - it actually hurts".
When they say...
"In spite of the measurement anomalies, this speaker is clearly a state-of-the-art product".
They mean...
"It didn't SOUND broken when we gave it our top rating".
When they say...
"The second sample also failed when I turned it on".
They mean...
"Red is ground isn't it?"
When they say...
"It was definitely borderline Class A".
They mean...
"It isn't that good but it's sooo expensive, and they're letting me keep it - G*d, I feel so cheap!"
When they say...
"Light years ahead of the competition".
They mean...
"The competition won't give us a review sample".
When they say...
"We hire only the best writers".
They mean...
"We'll hire any audiophile who recognizes a pencil two out of three tries".
When they say...
"After six months, the unit failed and I requested a second sample".
They mean...
"The product sat in my garage for six months until I backed my car over it - Getting the review process underway".
When they say...
"This is an incomplete but promising design from a talented young designer".
They mean...
"The product sucks but he has some money left in his advertising account".
When they say...
"Better than amps costing three times as much".
They mean...
"I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I like the amp - a lot!"
When they say...
"This product had me pulling one record after another from my collection".
They mean...
"I listened to all five of my records".
When they say...
"Michelle - ma belle - loved the lush midrange of the Beau-Evlav amp".
They mean...
"Michelle, who is proficient in sign language, described the amp to me".
When they say...
"The images in the soundstage had that elusive and seductive sense of palatable presence".
They mean...
"I haven't had sex since my wife left me and I'm starting to hallucinate... to hallucinate... to hallucinate.......".
[When they say...]When they say...[/B]
"These babies had me playing air guitar".
They mean...
"I don't know how to play a real instrument".
When they say...
"Every once in a long while a product comes along that redefines the way we think about audio".
They mean...
"I love my DSS satellite system".
When they say...
"This product lacks some of the subtle refinements we've come expect from a designer of this caliber".
They mean...
"The product stinks but we don't want to **** off this famous manufacturer".
When they say...
"This preamp is our new reference".
They mean...
"We aint giving it back, and we ain't payin' for it neither".
*****************
From 'Enjoy the Music.com:
Reference:
The Milto-Burlitz Guide To Reading,
Understanding And Enjoying Audio Reviews
Article By Fred Manteghian of The Audio Adventure
(Volume 3 Issue 1)
Last edited:
ktchnman
Well-known member
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bottom.
The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bottom.
The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."
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